I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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