Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
