Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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