i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
