So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
