My friends, they love my intelligence
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
