i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
