you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
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The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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