I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
