Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
