Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
