How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
