I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
