I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
