goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Mom said you looked used
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
