Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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