i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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