I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
