We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
