just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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