saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
