Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
