How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
