Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
