I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
