i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
