btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
