My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
