I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
