i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
