he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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