I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️