i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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