Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"