You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
