Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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