onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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