I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
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I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
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I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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