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I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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