Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
