Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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