today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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