I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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