listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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