I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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