end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
