i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
