Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
