please come you make the beer taste better
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
