I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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