You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
