what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
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I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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