While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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