your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
