Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
