in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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