I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
