If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
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Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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