we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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