Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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