If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
