I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
